Email Hall of Shame

One of the dubious pleasures of maintaining a opinion oriented site such as mine is the feedback from the various people worldwide who take the time to peruse the site and offer their viewpoint. On occasion, this has led to some stimulating correspondence. However, a good chunk of my email is electronically transmitted bouts of sheer stupidity. There's a reason I wrote the SAQ--Seldom Asked Questions...namely to avoid the redundant questions fans ask over and over and over. (Incidentally, did you know gullible isn't in the dictionary, but redundant is there twice? Look it up yourself!) Yet people persist going through the effort of looking up something on their favorite band, ignore my plea to leave your ignorance safely confined to your bedroom or office, and email with some of the gems included below.

Incidentally, this page has been relegated to the status of an archive and nothing more. I am no longer updating it or posting new hate emails. This page is intended solely for amusement and a little chuckle.

For those who wish to take a crash course on how to write a proper hate email, SSMT reader Dmitry Melnik offered a list of definitive rules and guidelines:

To summarize:
1) Start with a sentence "You [and your site -- optional] fucking suck [blow - insert as necessary] ".
2) "You're not even a fan of Korn [zabrahead, black metal, Jesus Christ - insert as necessary]"
3) You must be listening to [a fan of] [insert the name of the performer that in author's opinion is an epitome of bad taste].
4) Include an advice what to with that particular review (generally, where to place it).
5) Omit as many punctuation signs as you can along the way.
6) Type in upper/lower case exclusively [probably depends on the default settings of a Caps Lock key at a boot time of a computer; also, all capitals may point to an old BASIC/Fortran programmer].
7) Mention some suggestions what the fans/members of an offendend would do with a reviewer given a chance.
8) Give tentative suggestions about the state of mentality of a reviewer, sometimes in medical terms, or suggest what reviewer is engaged in in his/her spare time or who he/she is in love with (blood relatives, mostly).

As you will see in the following collection of hate emails, most of these folks follow this guideline very well. Enjoy.

From: John Dauscha
Date sent: Wed, 20 Jun 2001 14:15:17 -0500 (CDT)
Subject: MD.45

The "review" of "the craving"by john chdsey was totally off
target.Obviousley you do not like Mustaine so its not a
non-bias.Mustaine is musical geniues .And you have room tempeture I.Q.

Just a few observations from the one you feel has a lower IQ.
1) It's "Chedsey", not "chdsey". Proper nouns, such as names, also get capitalization.
2) It's "obviously", not "Obviousley".
3) It's "it's", not "its". You use the possessive form in place of the contraction.
4) Rather than "non-bias", you could have more succinctly expressed yourself with "unbiased".
5) It's "genius", not "geniues".
6) It's "temperature", not "temperature".

In the future, your comments about another's IQ would best be served by a less blatantly error filled email such as yours. Besides, it's rather ironic that one with "Rattlehead99" as part of his email address would dare accuse someone else of being biased one way or another toward Mr. Mustaine.

Subject: Helloween
Date sent: Fri, 19 Jan 2001 01:25:36 +0100

This message concerns Harry Smits, Please give it to him!!

Hallo Harry,

Na jaren geen contact te hebben gehad nu weer eens een berichtje.
Waarschijnlijk herinner je je de band Virgin nog wel.
Ik, Marty Walters destijds roadie, ben zo vrij je via deze site een e-mail
te sturen.
Virgin is namelijk bezig met een reunie. Deze bestaat uit (nu nog) 2
1 Concert is al geweest naar aanleiding van het zoveel jarig muzikant zijn
van Mano.
Het zou leuk zijn als je er een keer bij kunt zijn.
De hel "oude" garde is aanwezig, met 1 aanvulling, omdat Leo van Breemen
zijn hoge stem niet (meer) aankan.
Er wordt tevens (voorzichtig) gesproken over een nieuwe start van
Natuurlijk niet om wereldberoemd te worden, maar om gezellig muziek te
maken in de stijl die we al eens eerder op de planken hebben gebracht.
Of dit ooit zal plaatsvinden is nu nog niet bekend.
Hopelijk hoor ik nog iets van je.
Groeten van Virgin en speciaal van,

Marty Walters

Well, you know that anyone who writes reviews of Helloween is undoubtedly in touch with Harry Smits. Oh that Harry Smits. What a cut-up he is. Good ol' Harry. Wait, who the hell is Harry Smits and why would the sender of this email assume that anyone here will race to their phone books to make sure he gets this message? Is this some sort of test of the six degrees of separation? Last time I checked, this was a music reviews site, not a post office and personal courier service.

From: "wild buttox"
Subject: where is my mind online sheet music.
Date sent: Mon, 02 Oct 2000 10:41:11 EDT

hey, i plan to start playing the guitar and eventually my goal is to play
"where is my mind" by the pixies. they have been my favorite band for a
solid decade. where is my mind, equally long my favorite song, as well if
you guys could scrounge up the music for "wave of mutilation" and "here
comes your man" that would be the best! and i would love to play these
and sing them to girls and so forth, i'm sure you guys understand. it is
a life long passion to learn to play "where is my mind"
or do you know where i could find a book of notes? do you know where i
should start for learning the guitar? how i should go about it?
thank you very much you guys are the best.
your new friend,

Dear Tim,

The best place to learn the guitar is online. After all, we here at SSMT are all about teaching you how to play guitar in our spare times. Who needs work and school?

Here's how it works--You buy your guitar, then Chedsey will teach you how to play it. After you're done, we'll all quit whatever we're doing and answer any questions you may have.

Then, I'll come home from work early and buy a copy of that Pixies cd for you and figure out the entire album note for note. Hey, forget my job. I'd live in a hut before letting you not know how to play that Pixies song!

Then, James Slone is going to call up a bunch of girls on the phone and have them arrive at your house. Rog "The Frog" will bring microphones and seats. Matt Braymiller will use his money to provide a backing band for you, while Matt Cummings will pay all the royalties needed to perform the Pixies song for the girls.

After you perform, you will have a load of groupies. Hey, we'll have no money left, be out of jobs, and have dropped out of school, but who cares? YOU GOT TO PLAY PIXIES SONGS FOR GIRLS.

Get real man. You wanna know where you can get a "book of notes" (commonly referred to as sheet music or tablature)? Well, back in medieval times, when teenagers wanted stuff...they used to have to chisel themselves out of their computer chairs...walk outside (I know, it seems rough, doesn't it)...and they had to go to the store.

"But wait, where will I get all this money?" Well, that would mean you'd have to get a job, dude! As for learning the guitar, I coulda sworn back in the cavemen days you could pay a guy (we'll call him Guitar Teacher) to come over and show you how. Musta been a long time ago, tho.

BTW, Tim, I'm not your friend.


Date sent: Mon, 2 Oct 2000 12:55:13 EDT
Subject: Nashville%20Pussy

i love your pussys.i jack off when ever isee it right back and send me a
pussy pic.

Just keep this guy away from the feline section of the animal shelter.

Date sent: Sun, 03 Sep 2000 18:08:49 -0700
From: Eddie Daniels
Subject: M.O.D.

i can't find the cd usa for mod in the stors anywhere wiill you please
seand me a coppy to 4510 n. college rd. castle hayne n.c. zip 28429 thank


I haven't been updating this page for months but this email was too priceless to leave alone. Had this boy sent his request in December, when Santa Claus reigns supreme and goodwill is in the air, perhaps I would have just rushed right out to find a copy of this somewhat difficult to find album and sent it out, "SWAK" printed on the padded mailer. However, it is just September. And September is the month of football. Regardless, judging this boy's ability to communicate, I would suggest to one of our readers who might perhaps work in a bookstore and get discounts that a copy of Hooked on Phonics be mailed to his address immediately.

From: "Mathews Family"
Subject: Zebrahead
Date sent: Fri, 10 Dec 1999 21:00:11 -0800

zebrahead kicks ass! let me hear you sing ali's parts huh! that 's what i

Yet another Zebrahead fan rears his ugly, zit-ridden prepubescent head and attempts to be vicious. Aside from proving that the low standardized tests for his school were not a fluke, this kid also demonstrates that kneejerk responses to someone else's opinion are the only way he'll ever express himself. Too bad he doesn't realize one does not have to be able to imitate someone else's voice to dislike the music. I don't think anyone will ever write a review stating, "Well, since I'm the voice double of Lemmy, I am the only allowed to criticize this record."

Date sent: Wed, 17 Nov 1999 11:48:38 -0500 (EST)
Subject: A.C.

your mothers cunt smells like carpet cleaner. anal cunt rule,
monkey fucker! i hope seth fills your mouth with your mothers
excrement,you fucking sausage-smoker!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Not only does A.C. bring out the primal stupidity of the human race (or the lesser evolved strains of it who dwell primarily in trailer parks), but the wonders of WebTV enhance their glaring monolithic moronic tendencies. This above knuckle dragging twit assumes that either he is a comedic genius on par with George Carlin using the lyrical bent of his heroes, A.C., or is simply unable to articulate himself beyond crude grunting noises transcribed by his inbred sister-cum-wife to WebTV. Note to would-be hecklers: crass profanity is neither clever nor shocking. You simply must try harder if you think you're going to make an impact.

Name: Kurt Howard
Referred by: Just Surfed On In
From: Dallas
Time: 1999-09-09 11:32:58
Comments: I just wanted to let you know that I was quite humored by your responses to people who have signed your guestbook. I assume that it makes you feel like a road scholar to drone on with an onslaught of rhetoric about an individual's inability to stucture a sentence properly or thier lack of grammatical know-how; but, being a member of the psychiatric community, I believe I can shed a little light on your useless rantings. I strongly believe that these tirades which are designed to marvel the guests with your incredible grasp of the English language are merely a result of your insecurity regarding your manlihood. It was B.F Skinner who really conceptualized the theories that societal patterns have dictated how men display their insecurities through atempting to gain dominance by exposing another's mental inadequacies. In short (no pun intended), you have in lehman's term what we call "Small Penis Syndrome." It is similar to the overused "Napolean's Syndrome" in that it addresses attitudes and actions which result from an individual lacking physical self-confidence. However, it differs in that the sufferer's insecurity also stems from a feeling of failure in the sexual arena due to a small penis. I hope that you can seek counseling for this condition instead of continuing to lash out at your guests. Having a small penis is not the end of the world. Although it is quite apparent that you have no musical talent; otherwise, you would not be administering a low-budget web domain designed to evaluate an art form for which you have no personal talent. You could always pursue other endeavors such as modeling for condom manufacturers specializing in "smaller" men. Good luck with your therapy and don't get too down on yourself!

To the author of the previous entry: I assume from the contents of your message that you either have a BA in psychology or, more likely, are currently an undergraduate. Therefore, you should not mind the peer review of your work which follows. First, you must mean "Rhodes Scholar," not "road scholar." Second, the correct spelling is "structure," not "stucture." Third, the correct spelling is "their," not "thier." Fourth, B.F. Skinner was a behaviorist; he would have dismissed insecurities as unquantifiable and therefore not valid subjects in the field of psychology. Fifth, the correct spelling is "attempting, not "atempting." Sixth, the correct spelling is "layman’s," not "lehman’s." Seventh, the correct spelling is "Napoleon," not "Napolean." Eighth, "(A)lthough it is quite apparent..." is not a complete sentence. Ninth, if you are indeed a member of the psychiatric community as you claim, you should realize that display of a “diagnosis” such as this in a public place is quite unprofessional, not to mention rude. Tenth, if attempting to gain dominance through exposure of another’s inadequacies is a sign of insecurity, surely your attempts at intimidating the website host through intellectual bullying, belittlement of his achievements, and physical ridicule are signs of a similar neurosis. How does it feel to be hoist upon your own petard?--Jonathan Arnett

From: "woohoo donuts"
Subject: Smoke on the water
Date sent: Tue, 07 Sep 1999 23:59:13 CDT

You know what they say about critics? It does not matter what type
of media they are in, they tried to produce and failed miserable.
When you pick up a guitar I bet you know how to play the heck out
of smoke on the water, that's all nothing else.
You'r 12/98 review of Embodyment's Embrace the Eternal was off the
You pretty much suck dude..........Why can't you listen to the message of
their music and understand that they are trying to reach today's youth
with the message of Jesus Christ.




I get such a kick out of Christian dorks. His question about why I can't listen to the message is pretty simple. The band's music in question sucks. If I want a message I'll spend my time at the seashore waiting for that bottle from the Princess of Mario Land. Naturally this guy, unable to think up his own insults, relies on the tried and true "you can't play guitar so you're not allowed to dislike what I like!" method of rebuttal, which is akin to something a three year old does at daycare to get his own way. Then his whole "do you worship satan" spiel is a riot simply because the logical process doesn't really work here. Negative record review does not equate Satan worship. Usually.

Date sent: Tue, 7 Sep 1999 20:58:52 +0330 (IST)
From: Keykhosro
Subject: Re: SSMT Monthly Sept 1999

to mister john chedsey(or what ever his name is like):
please keep your ideas for yourself.these two therion's album are really
great.if you have such ideas about music,so you dick head can keep them in
your own junk yard,don't spread them out. thanx behrang

Okay, I won't ridicule this guy's use of English as he's from another country, but it's so easy to remark on his insecurity with Therion. Is his self-esteem based entirely on whether or not albums he likes are also liked by others? And is his only retort a weak insult that any third grader can come up with. I guess he's a remnant of the flower generation where the motto is "If you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all." How very un-metal.

Date sent: Wed, 25 Aug 1999 23:46:03 -0500
From: Paul Savage
Subject: Re: Embodyment

At 01:10 AM 8/23/99 -0700, you wrote:
«« Are you ignorant to any kind of music theory or rudiments?
«« Embodyment embodies the pinnacles of harmonic texture that is lacking
«« in most heavy music today.
« Who cares? The songs are boring.

says the man that cannot fathom the complexity of this fine art. (let me
use little words.) your ignorant.

The most remarkable thing about people wallowing in their own self-importance is that they will dive headfirst into proving their own stupidity through irony. This gentleman above ends his bloated diatribe with one of the funniest things I've read in awhile. Let me give him a hand in the proper and unignorant usage of simple grammar: YOU'RE ignorant. The fact that he has convinced himself a second rate band is something special is all the indication you need to realize that this boy just is going to shoot himself in the foot with his own inept brainpower.

Date sent: Wed, 25 Aug 1999 20:59:06 EDT
Subject: Vision of Disorder


Just because your cro-magnon, limited brain powers are unable to comprehend that others do not resort to differing opinions with mindless violence doesn't give you the right to sit in front of the e-machine your daddy bought you in hopes of somehow getting you graduated from middle school before you get your driver's license. I'm sure that Vision of Disorder shakes their heads every time they see you and your knuckle dragging ape friends circling bravely around the mosh pit for a very small person to pummel.

From: "Eckart Adam"
Subject: Read this and think about it.
Date sent: Sun, 25 Jul 1999 04:00:05 -0700

Fuck you and your bullshit opinion
SNFU don't deserve people like you spouting off at the lip about what you

Yes, you fucker--- You are nothing but a fucker

Let's see you go make some music you useless hack
Maybe then you could merit an opinion
You keep a band together for fifteen years and then think about all the
critics that fuck with your hard work You people are the scum of the Earth
I hate your kind

Love Derek.

This is the reassuring kind of letter that lets us in the SSMT compound know that we are truly powerful beings with nearly godlike abilities to destroy and kill sales all with the power of the written word. The insecure will leap forth to demonstrate their inferiority complexes each and every time we write a review. Note that though no one gives "a fuck" what we think, the writer of this email was compelled to demonstrate that he did in fact give a "fuck" and informed us that we are a "fucker". Incidentally, the word "fuck" may be very indicative of his mental ability, which rivals that of an inbred hillbilly. The most striking thing about this email is that this is a forged email address. This only shows "Derek" does not have the guts to stand behind his opinion and perhaps engage in a debate. What a pathetic snivelling wimp.

Date sent: Fri, 16 Jul 1999 17:00:07 EDT
Subject: Exhumed

In reference to your review on the EXHUMED album: FUCK OFF YOU TASTLESS
PIECE OF SHIT. EXHUMED is an extremely talented grind band. Their skill
obviously exceeds anything your small mind could ever comprehend. My guess
is you are a lamb following the herd, listening to bands like LIMP BISKET,
KID ROCK, and ORGY. You should have never even been allowed to have come
into contact with this honed razor of an album. Stay out of grind, you
belong no where near us!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The ironic thing about this hate email is that Ross Sewage, the former singer for Exhumed, emailed me the same day to let me know he AGREED with the harsh review of the Exhumed album in question. Regardless, the above foolish and juvenile individual thoughtfully provided proof that his mother abused many narcotics during the gestation of this boy. As usual, he peppered his correspondence with some of the most profound insightful remarks he could conceive without asking his younger brother for bigger words. Since his best guess of what I listen to demonstrates his lack of resourcefulness to check out the Limp Bizkit (proper spelling, mind you) review or note the lack of reviews for the other two, it can also be assumed he jumps to conclusions without ever bothering to use any brain skills whatsoever. And of course I belong nowhere near him. Intelligent individuals are allowed outside the zoo once in awhile.

Date sent: Fri, 2 Jul 1999 02:58:34 EDT
Subject: Zebrahead

you are a moron.....i wouldn't doubt it if you loved nsync and the back
street boys......or maybe now you're into ricky
martin............obviously you have no life.....instead of criticizing a
great band maybe you should get one.......

It always baffles me that when someone is so insecure about their musical tastes they feel it is their duty to attack anyone who dislikes their icons. Since these people obviously share a single brain cell that is being kept in storage in the hills of Kentucky (where inbreeding dulled that brain cell to a state of true idiocy), they all use the exact same stock insults:
a) "You're a moron!"
b) "You like [insert Billboard Top Ten Performer]"
c) "Don't you dare criticize my trendy, lameass band!"

All I can say is that it's good they utilize these statements; otherwise that brain cell might actually start independently thinking and goodness knows what will happen then.

Date sent: Mon, 14 Jun 1999 00:03:18 EDT
Subject: Zebrahead

Hey man, u don't know what ur
talking about!!! Zebrahead is one of the best bands out there right now,
and they are even better live then on some recording. I've seen them twice
now, and going to see them again this july on the warped tour.
hum......the only reason y u don't like them is because ur too busy
watching the back street boys or hanson huh???? it's trendy people like u
that give good bands a bad name.......i hope that some day u will open ur
eyes and see what real talent is......... Zeebo

When someone equates trendy radio rock like Zebrahead with real talent, then much, if not all, of their credibility is shot. I guess our Zeebo friend here is convinced that by slaughtering the English language with tried and true AOL abbreviations like "u" and "ur" and "y", he will show us the way to a better musical philosophy. Note his usage of the very classic "If you don't like my favorite band, then you must be a Hanson/Back Street Boys fan" as that is quite possibly the most clever thing that someone else came up with for him. But fear not, his twelfth birthday is coming up and he'll be much smarter then, especially if they let him start in public school this fall!

Date sent: Fri, 23 Apr 1999 15:17:31 EDT
Subject: Iron Monkey

can you plz sent me some music



Yes. Go wait right by your mailbox for a special package. If you're not there when it comes you aren't going to get it at all, so you be sure to get a sleeping bag and some potato chips.

Date: Wed, 3 Mar 1999 19:19:34 EST
Subject: Stop it, go back in ur hole!

Where do you get off talking about the Phunk Junkees that way?
I'm gonna
ask you some things, do you have the talent they have? I think not,
are you
famous? Nope! So crawl back in your hole and stop being such a
missery dick!
I'm sorry if I affended you but you afende me first! So next time you
something negitive about a concert, think about the mess you are
getting into.

And you better not say anything bad about 311,
because I
will just like,
Bam!! on you!!!!

Every now and then I get an email that poses more mystery than the whole Loch Ness Monster thing. For example, this young man (presumably 14 and just getting into music...hence his affection for 311 and the godawful Phunk Junkeez) uses a terminology unfamiliar to me. I do admit I might "affend" on occasion, but this whole "missery dick" has me concerned. I'm also curious about what mess I have gotten into, aside from the momentary mirth at reading his drivel. Finally, I'm hesistant to ask how one "bams" on another person. Is this a perverted sexual thing? I think certain states such as Missouri and Kentucky are "Right to Bam" states, but beyond that I do not want to know. Needless to say, if your child expresses interest in 311 and Phunk Junkeez styled bands, please confine him to the closet till he turns 22 or gets a clue.

Date sent: Sat, 27 Feb 1999 20:40:57 -0500
From: Jon Sachs using Mommy & Daddy's email address
Subject: Korn

your web page really sucks ass!!!!!!
youdont have the best album KORN did!Follow the Leader!!!!!!!Its smooth as

And you wonder why there is a growing movement for mandatory abortions in low IQ districts all across America. Do you think this individual would even say this statement to anyone's face? Probably not...

Date: Tue, 16 Feb 1999 18:28:41 -0600
From: Al Cooper
Subject: get real

man you really are not even a true bosstones fan. you
should not be trashing the bosstones music like that man.

Fans are a strange breed. Suddenly their skin becomes thinner than ancient parchment and anyone who dares say anything even partially critical of their favorite band "sucks". I'm still trying to grasp where he read I was a "true bosstones fan". Apparently people are only allowed to praise their favorite band. As ever, I shall continue "sucking" for the benefit of all humanity.

Date: Thu, 21 Jan 1999 12:45:00 EST
Subject: ok!

your review of the bands you have listed shows that you do not know
what you
are talking about. you seem to be closed minded about alot of bands,
you show
more attention to what seems like what you like, instead of giving all
bands there do respect as talented musicans

The second this email hit the box, my grammar sirens went off. But is it truly noble of me to taunt someone for grossly misinformed lines like "there do respect"? I may just go to hell yet. So instead, we'll appease his/her "self esteem" and concentrate on the "idea" and "meaning" of his/her letter. Apparently he/she as well employs the self esteem mantras as people should only say nice things about bands. So thusly, the entire SSMT writing staff are bad as we have not placed our tails between our legs and written only nice, sunny happy things.

Nah. If we were to only write nice things, we would do best to find jobs as label publicists and say things like the "Stellar and seminal works of Cinderella have affected an entire generation". Get a clue, kid. We're here to express our honest opinions, not lube the behinds of musicians.

Subject: (no subject)
Date: Wed, 13 Jan 1999 08:38:37 EST

I just read what you had to say about NIN's Further Down the Spiral and my
mouth dropped. I just have to say how very much I DISAGREE with you. You must
not be a NIN fan because if you were you would see Trent's music in a
different light. Plus you seem way too shallow to understand anyway. Trent is
a musical genius and deserves a hell of a lot more respect than he gets. He is
the master of remixes. I haven't heard one yet that I don't like. Next time if
you don't have anything nice and intelligent to say, don't say it at all. All
that review did was make you look like an idiot.

Note to AOL user: next time you want to make commentary about intelligence, you could at least spell the name of the offending party correctly. It's S-A-R-A-H. Secondly, have you ever considered that blindly accepting all works of an artist without objectivity to the music in question may just be more shallow? Presumably being a NIN fan means accepting pablum without questioning or daring to think anything outside the accepted paradigm. Note you said you "haven't heard [a remix] yet that I don't like". Commentary from the sheep? Finally, this is record reviewing, not posterior kissing. Break out of that deity worshipping mentality, kid. You'll see the world in a whole new light when you think for yourself. Oh, one other thing: Jim Thirlwell is the master of remix.

From: Ramesh
Date: Sat, 28 Nov 1998 16:14:25 -0400

you suck

You just have to admire the brevity of this one. He's so incensed at what we had to say here that he wasn't even going to waste any of his valuable time to tell us what caused this dire reaction nor expend energy explaining how we can better ourselves. That, or he is entirely unable to pick his knuckles off the ground to write anything further.

Subject: pslam 69
Date: Sun, 09 Aug 1998 02:33:37 -0400
From: todt

if you really dont care for this album then your high on crack
it kicks about as much ass as Mind if not more
i think you need to go back to high school

Thanks for the advice. I always make it a point to pay heed to the near-illiterates who are unable to fathom a difference of opinion and must take it upon themselves to inform me of an addiction I was unaware of. And last time I looked on my CD rack, the album in question was leaving The Mind is a Terrible Thing to Taste alone.

Date: Fri, 31 Jul 1998 09:55:26 EDT
Subject: i need a cd

hey , you guys are one of the greatest sounds to ever travel through my
ears.although i am having the most dificult time finding even one of
discs(mainly because they are out of print. a friend of mine intrduced
me to
the sound that now fills my car and home. I was curious to fined a way
to get
a copy of one or all of your cd' i figured i would have better
going to the source its self...any imput or thoughts on my situation
would be
greatly appreciated...thanks, and keep up the sounds.....e-mail-

You found the source all right...the source of cynicism and diatribes against the insufferable. First off, you make the unenviable mistake of assuming a review page (of an unnamed band) is representing the band in question. Why don't you just tape a copy of this album from your friend? Why bother me with this sort of nonsense?

Date: Fri, 31 Jul 1998 02:46:40 EDT
Subject: (no subject)

I want chino moreno..........

Cassie wrote: ICK -- He's is kinda smarmy and small to boot.
Besides, Satan Stole My Teddybear is not a prostitution ring for small and smarmy rock stars.--John

Subject: hi
Date: Sun, 26 Jul 1998 18:06:36 EDT

do yuo know what time the grumpies are playing in pensacola...tonight?

Let me consult my crystal ball...and the magic genie responds, "Are you some kind of doofus?"

Date: Sat, 25 Jul 1998 14:36:55 -0400
From: kessler gilmore
Subject: what you thought about Suicidal 4 Life

Why do you even have Suicidal web sight if your gonna be dissing all
over the band. Whats your damn problem! All because you don't like
profanity doesnt mean the album sucks. One more thing before I go, I'v
been playing the Bass guitar for about 5 years and none of the songs on
that album are easy to play.
So before you start throwing your sorry a*s opinion on the greatest band
in the world, go get yo head checked!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

4-Ever CYCO,
Rick Fernandez



If your grammar teacher caught you sending this email, she'd have a severe hernia explode all over her support hose. From the self-censored "a*s" to the overusage of exclamation points, this poor kid just is an easy entry into the Hall of Shame. Chances are he has a hard time playing the Misfits on bass, works menial labor, and needs help booting up his computer. Kids, when you are in need of a self-esteem boost, think of our dear friend here and remind yourself that there are people out there who are worse off than yourself.

Subject: HEY
Date: Sun, 19 Jul 1998 02:12:27 EDT


Oh, sure...let me just look through my rolodex. Would you like his home phone number as well? Oh...and maybe I'll just break out the rest of my personal info on Ian file. Give me a break! Even if for some reason I was honored enough to have Ian's personal contact address, why would I choose to give it out randomly over the internet? I value my friends more than that. Oh...and by the way, I don't know his email address. Just in case the sarcastic tone was lost.

Subject: what are you talking about??
Date: Tue, 16 Jun 1998 16:13:37 -0500
From: randi owen
look, personaly i don't know you, but you have to get your head out of
your ass! what the hell are you talking about??? METALLICA is
METALLICA, and they always will, any true fan knows that. and personaly
my friends and i don't like the way your talking about them, and i think
a lot of other people wouldn't. in fact, i don't think you truly like
METALLICA. if your saying they aren't metal anymore, and that they
should change their name, then you should be listening to HANSON. if
you think about it, Load and ReLoad really aren't that bad. i mean, how
would you play if you havn't played music with each other for 5 years???
you forgot to mention that. after "the Black" album, they stoped
playing music with each other for about 5 years. and i think all the
reveiws that they got on Load kicked them in the ass and woke them up.
but just because it wasn't a really good album, dosn't mean you have the
right to say they should have used another name on the album. that's
all i have to say. Later.

Mad at your reveiws,

P.S.: if you do decide to write back, e-mail me at:

Personally I'm glad I don't know you. I would have to re-evaluate my taste in friends and associates otherwise. For the twenty-seven Metallica fans still left after the Reload debacle, nothing irks them more than the rest of us who just can't stand what Metallica turned into. They may in fact be more irked by those of us who can use proper grammar, punctuation, and spelling. Yes, Barge, inferiority complex is a terrible thing and you should realize that you, too, are an okay person and can accept differing opinions than your own. I always get a kick out of people who assume my head is in my fanny (it doesn't fit) and suggests I should listen to teeny-bopper music when I don't agree precisely with their views. A stunning argument, but I don't think it would impress F. Lee Bailey. The assertion that not playing music with each other is rather invalid as bands such as the Descendents resumed after 10 years sounding stronger than ever. And finally, I have the right to say whatever the hell I want about Metallica so long as I don't get libelous. (No, Lars is not having an affair with Dennis Rodman.) Quite frankly, even the members of Metallica will agree they've made some bad decisions and listened to the wrong people in the past few years. But it doesn't excuse you from your waste of computer space.

Subject: yes
Date: Thu, 28 May 1998 00:27:20 -0400
From: seaf

I have been to all of the shows in and around Charoltte and have left
sore and bleeding after every one. I wouldn't want it any other way.
You guys are loved by all in Charoltte, as you already know, as well as
everywhere else you play. I am a personal friend of Fe26 and was
"backstage" at Tremont the last time you guys were around. Blonde girl,
curly hair, of course you don't remember. But look for me next time,
for I will definitely be there. Come back around soon. Later,
Jennifer (Concord)

There's that anonymous band fan email again. Why on earth would some assume that a page full of record reviews automatically means that an email link will go directly to that band? At least Jennifer was kind enough to describe herself so that if I ever go to Charoltte {sic}, I'll be able to find her in a heartbeat. And who cares who you are friends with?

Subject: AC/DC peoples
Date: Fri, 16 Apr 1999 21:11:55 -0400
From: Edward Dickerson

Dear AC/DC band members I am a big fan of yours and I play the drums.I
can't find any
tablatures for the drums of your songs.
Please help me!
P.S. I read your notes and letters in your High Voltage CD it's
pretty funny!

Isn't it neat to be confused with members of one of the all time legends of rock n roll? Naturally this guy couldn't be bothered to find out more about the site he sent email to as he both assumed I was part of the band and that I have all sorts of tabulature to hand out. Here's a novel idea! Put on your favorite AC/DC record, listen to it carefully, and play alongside! Or better yet, go to your junior high music department and ask for a seat in the band.

Subject: ?
Date: Tue, 31 Mar 1998 00:36:27 EST
From: JesiquBer2

can you guys please get your asses over to san diego and play a show at show
case if not im not going to buy any of your cds anymore
thanks again
and kkep it up you guys rock
later jessica

As much as I would like to be known for celebrity impersonations (aside from Scooby Doo's laugh), it still boggles me the amount of email I receive from people who somehow assume that I'm a member of whatever band it is that is being reviewed. What band would write a review of themselves...I mean, aside from the narcisstic members of Manowar? But you have to admire Jessica's lack of spelling skills and her very nice straddle of the fence as she threatens to discontinue spending her allowance on their work. But hey, she makes up for it by reassuring this unnamed group "you guys rock"

Subject: THE BAND.....
Date: Mon, 30 Mar 1998 21:43:58 EST
From: Iceman9653


You know you're in trouble when the email is written in all capital letters. I can only assume a couple things. 1) This guy assumes I sit six feet from my monitor and is trying to be helpful or 2) He is so insecure with these thoughts that he must glorify them in upper case. But again this guy assumes that I am part of the band (and somehow gotten surgery to be a girl...but at least I have the aforementioned "ballz"). And this misogynist group of men he hangs out with...probably explains the creative spelling. Finally, he ends with the most annoying request: tablature. I know I've mentioned in my SAQ before....

Subject: Info
Date: Fri, 13 Feb 1998 20:08:23 -0500
From: Byron Mc Henry

I'm trying to get info on Graves' tour if their even on tour. Wondering if
u could help me out. Thank you very much!

Byron M.

There's probably a reason why I include a link to Pollstar in my SAQ. Too bad this kid never saw it

Subject: ASS
Date: Tue, 13 Jan 1998 20:17:47 +0000
From: cguichar


What the hell is this? Is he referring to the website? He should know this is a one man operation [It was at the time--Ed. note] need for plural. Or is he referring to some band, unnamed, who he wants inform of their ability to kick tushes.

Subject: You call this a Celtic Frost page?
Date: Tue, 3 Feb 1998 22:58:56 EST

Where the fuck!!!! is 'To Mega Therion' ass wipe

It's a snap to know when someone hasn't bothered checking out my SAQ and resorts to knee-jerk responses such as this. But fortunately he emphasized his vocabulary with the usage of not one but four exclamation points.

Subject: hey
Date: Thu, 26 Mar 1998 18:38:10 -0800
From: Herman Bradshaw Jr

I really liked the home page for pennywise, but you should get some more
pics that are actually good. I mean these are good, but you need better
ones. Keep up the good work!

The saddest part of this little email is that he couldn't possibly have been referring to my Pennywise entry simply because I have no pics on that page. LSD is bad for you, kids.

Subject: Tas
Date: Fri, 30 Jan 1998 09:51:27 -0800

Hey there,
I've been looking for tabs for these guys and I cant find any
anywhere. If you have some or know where I can get my hands on some
could you please e-mail me.
Thanx man

Aside from the fact that I've specifically stated in my SAQ that I don't have any tabs for any band whatsover, people insist upon requesting them. Even better, they fail to mention the specific band. I should employ a psychic for responding to email

Date: Tue, 10 Feb 1998 22:28:02 EST

got any bass tabs? They shouldn't allow the clueless to sign up for internet accounts...except that would put America Online out of business

But this guy wasn't to be deterred, the next day he sent this, assuming that perhaps two messages of ignorance are better than one:

Subject: BASS TABS
Date: Wed, 11 Feb 1998 20:01:54 EST

if you know where i can any bass tabs for any brutal death metal bands PLEASE
send them to me


Subject: youre one crazy sun of a bitch. thier first album sucked balls!the sound quality was weak!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!theyve gotten better over the years,at least until cryptic writtings!seems to me like youre a dumb bitch.
Date: Mon, 02 Feb 1998 14:12:32 -0800
From: Jason

Since he so eloquently expressed himself in the subject field, there was no need to write anything beyond that. But do pay special attention to his self-contradiction as he claims Megadeth kept getting better...except for their new album. At least he zings me by call me a "sun" of a bitch. And metal fans wonder why they get no respect.

Subject: Dire Straits concert
Date: Sat, 28 Feb 1998 20:12:00 +0100
From: Jens Tannert

My name is Annette an i am from Germany. I want to know if there are any
concerts somewhere on this planet. I would go to every place. Can Zou
help me?

Bye Annette

Just as a guess, Annette is either a trust fund baby or the poster child for birth control. Now my question is why someone in Colorado would know anything about the concert calendar for Germany. Especially for a band who hasn't played together in over five years. But I would wager that Annette's daddy will fly her anywhere she wants in that private Lear jet. I wonder if Mark Knopfler could be enticed to play...?

Subject: request
Date: Wed, 10 Jan 2080 20:33:22 -0800

could you make me a .wav file of the black sabbath song ''IRON MAN'' i can't find it any where...... i want to have it play when my win.95 starts up....could you help me out?.

When did I become your personal tech support? And when did "Iron Man" become a difficult song to find? Don't be so lazy and make it yourself.

Date: Thu, 12 Feb 1998 18:03:25 -0500
From: Julie

You suck.

At least this person didn't mince words. You have to admire his brevity and simple directedness.

Subject: 'tas guey
Date: Thu, 08 Jan 1998 18:10:38 -0600
From: "Lucía Pérez Manrique"

your page sucks ANIMAL

Another person who got right to the point and explains what my page does. If only he could have specified which animal, I might not have posted him to this list.

Subject: was up
Date: Fri, 27 Feb 1998 23:34:41 EST
From: MAFIA 1106

was up dude....ive been a big fan of these guys for years......would love to
find some guitar tab on these guys or links to any if you know of
any......later dude

Is it any wonder that excessive usage of the word "dude" will cause people to lose mass respect for you? Bill & Ted lingo will not endear yourself to me. And then this guy has to ask for tabs for a band he doesn't bother to mention. I keep wondering if anyone is aware there are over 340 individual band entries in the site? Or is this sort of knowledge just too much to ask?

Subject: HI
Date: Fri, 23 Jan 1998 13:22:07 EST


Perhaps because you're a functional illiterate...

Subject: mistake
Date: Sat, 21 Feb 1998 21:21:18 +0900

hi this is NEW8.

you are fuckin' mother fucker,
I supposed to buy nine inch nails,
but I miss-picked your CD.

Now what am I supposed to make of this? Just because you're a fool, I'm to blame? At least this guy was able to quantify his mother fucker...

Subject: who is this
Date: Thu, 2 Apr 1998 17:06:21 EST
From: Intensify

write me back who ever this is

i want to book some shows with sepultura and i want them to help us with recording

i think them (on roots) and korn's first album are the 2 best recordings ever

mike from INTENSIFY

Yeah, let me just give Andreas a call. I understand they love to help out AOL members on a freelance basis.

Subject: we need you!!!!!!!
Date: Fri, 03 Apr 1998 17:24:35 -0600
From: Josh

Yo, less than jake, this is josh, I play trombone in a ska band called THE
DAILY GRIND! We are tring to put a show together to raise money for a new
skate shop. We have seen you a lot in lawerance at the bottleneck and the
granada. We see the energy that you guys put out and want to know if you
could bring it here to Garden City KS. Hey, you can even sleep on my
floor........If you guys are even remotely interested please E-MAIL me for
details. Thanks...I'll see you at the ska against racism tour in Kansas
city MO.



Josh probably doesn't have a clue about this, but Satan Stole My Teddybear is not affiliated with any band, record label or retail outfit whatsoever. While he's quite kind in his praise for Less Than Jake, he commits two Lord Luke sin by first assuming that a record review of the band means that I'm part of the band and then sending this identical message a second time. I can only figure Josh must duplicate his ignorance to feel twice as stupid.

Subject: Prong
Date: Wed, 08 Apr 1998 13:55:24 +0300
From: "Larry L. Smith"

Prong rules.Send me wavs on there tracks please!

Glad to see we agree Prong is a darned good band. However, I don't provide sound files, especially to those who don't know the difference between "there" and "their".

Subject: minor threat
Date: Sat, 11 Apr 1998 18:19:34 EDT
From: TWEETI71


Ah...nothing like constructive criticism! This individual, an AOL user proudly using the nick Tweet, was kind enough to offer his opinion, along with wishes for my future. How often will you hear a prayer for my death coupled with a very SoCal "Have a nice day", along with the vilest word he knows? Incidentally, I'd be curious what a doughnut pumper is and why this should be considered a dreadful insult? This only furthers my case that AOL users shouldn't be allowed access to the rest of the internet community.

Subject: Re: minor threat
Date: Sun, 12 Apr 1998 14:32:18 EDT
From: TWEETI71

Bite me, that was my cousin fuckin around w/my account.
But he is right about one thing,,,you suck!!!!!

Gee, don't you just love follow-up reports? At least I have a greater understanding of the intellect at work here. I'm surprised that computer technology has infiltrated the diminished gene pools of inbreeding families.

Date: Mon, 13 Apr 1998 21:48:33 -0700
From: "Peter R. Evans"

This sort of criticism is so eloquent and touching that I wanted to contact the editors of Rolling Stone and get this man on their staff. He gets right to the point by putting his entire message in the subject line (which naturally makes me assume that he's not exactly the brightest of fellows). I'm just curious who else would feel that No Fun at All is better than the Minutemen, Husker Du, Descendents, Black Flag, Dead Kennedys, or any number of true pioneers. Maybe this person has only had access to one punk record in his life.

Subject: fuck you...
Date: Tue, 14 Apr 1998 16:57:45 EDT
From: XsihckidX

you wouldent no a good artist if it bit you in the ass ....v.o.d. is one of
the most talented bands ever to come out of long island...g who is your
favorite band-korn or perhaps the deftones cuase your probably one of those
looser ass people who has to watch mtv to find out what to listen to...FUCK

Ya know, you just open yourself up by sending something as inane and childish as this. I'm assuming you're either fifteen years old or fit the personality profile of a typical AOL user (and you only lend validity to the arguement AOL users shouldn't be allowed access to the real internet). You are obviously so insecure in your tastes that you must attack anyone who doesn't agree. Very sad indeed. If you feel VOD is the most talented band out of Long Island, you're only insulting the rest of the bands. Incidentally, I could care less about either Korn or the Deftones as they are fairly bland. And in fact, I haven't watched MTV in nearly six years. Accept the fact that not everyone will agree with your narrow minded views. Open your mind a bit and grow up.